Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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