Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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