They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Just high enough for therapy.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
