When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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