I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize