my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
