grandma shit on top of the toilet
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
