I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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