At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
