Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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