I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
