I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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