Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
