I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
