i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
