I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
