it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
