i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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