My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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