I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My liver just had a heart attack.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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