that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
