i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
