I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
