i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
