dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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