you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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