This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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