Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
