We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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