fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize