Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
