Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
