dude i'm inner monologue high
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
This is the prime rib incident all over again
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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