she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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