This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
