Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
