the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
