I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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