My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
