i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
