My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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