I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Even my vagina gasped.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
