ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
