I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
