I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Randomize
