my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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