If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
