Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
