I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize