She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
