And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
