remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
