we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize