Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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