I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
