Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He? As in you personified your dick?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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