you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
