go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
His nipple licking is glorious
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