just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
