the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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